News 2020
Disruption non-terroristic in origin, ministers claim
Britain was largely crippled today when frozen crystals of what scientists have termed "water" fell from the sky in many parts of the country.
The adverse weather conditions caused delays in transport, school closures and disruptions to public services valued at only slightly more than the cost of privatising them all to make them more efficient.
National Security Minister Fluston Beezer issued a statement this afternoon saying that terrorists were probably not responsible for the problems, even though "such disruption to the normal lives of ordinary people is, of course, just what the extremists want."
Some local authorities sent out workers to scatter grit on the pavements, resulting in small piles of grit surrounded by square yards of solid ice.
"We are not claiming it will be a joy to walk upon, but at least the variation in colour will prevent blindness occurring," a local government spokesperson said.
In the capital, public transport was at a standstill for most of the day owing to service provider surprise.
"Admissibly there have been precedents of cold weather during the winter months which would be anticipated as having an anti-positive temperaturisation effect on certain equipment items," said London Underground spokesperson Layton Standing.
"However, we would emphatically hesitate to encourage hindsight in this regard as it can cause undue customer demoralisation," he said.
The Ministry of Britishness said that Britons had a long tradition of stoical coping with adverse weather conditions, and expressed confidence that "people would not be deterred from business as usual just because a few services are out and may be some time."
Britain was largely crippled today when frozen crystals of what scientists have termed "water" fell from the sky in many parts of the country.
The adverse weather conditions caused delays in transport, school closures and disruptions to public services valued at only slightly more than the cost of privatising them all to make them more efficient.
National Security Minister Fluston Beezer issued a statement this afternoon saying that terrorists were probably not responsible for the problems, even though "such disruption to the normal lives of ordinary people is, of course, just what the extremists want."
Some local authorities sent out workers to scatter grit on the pavements, resulting in small piles of grit surrounded by square yards of solid ice.
"We are not claiming it will be a joy to walk upon, but at least the variation in colour will prevent blindness occurring," a local government spokesperson said.
In the capital, public transport was at a standstill for most of the day owing to service provider surprise.
"Admissibly there have been precedents of cold weather during the winter months which would be anticipated as having an anti-positive temperaturisation effect on certain equipment items," said London Underground spokesperson Layton Standing.
"However, we would emphatically hesitate to encourage hindsight in this regard as it can cause undue customer demoralisation," he said.
The Ministry of Britishness said that Britons had a long tradition of stoical coping with adverse weather conditions, and expressed confidence that "people would not be deterred from business as usual just because a few services are out and may be some time."
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