The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

News 2020

Britain and allies condemn controversial report

The Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary today joined the growing chorus of condemnation from the Pentagon, the White House and other sources of press coverage in condemning a controversial new study of terrorist psychology.

The study, which was compiled from interviews with nine hundred and eleven known terrorists across the world, provoked instant controversy with its controversial claims that terrorists are "made, not born" and are sometimes "rationally motivated" as a result of "genuine grievances".

This morning, as the controversial report went to press, hundreds of experts were seen queuing outside the BBC's Birt House, spontaneously offering their services in the effort to balance the record.

In the US, the reaction to the controversial report was negative. The report's controversial publication on 12 October, the anniversary of Columbus' first attempts to bring democracy to the native tribes, was seen by many as a deliberate attempt to sabotage the national holiday.

"As far as I am concerned, this study has a maximal deplausibilitisation factor, and I haven't even read it," the Commander-in-Chief told concerned reporters via hijab-proof digital link to the Oval Bunker. The Prime Minister later told BBC's Yo! Breakfast Roundup!!!! that the British race stood shoulder to shoulder with the Americans in not reading or believing the report.

The Foreign Secretary later emphasised what he described as "the moral aspect" of talking to terrorists. "Frankly, in even giving such allegations a moment's attention we lose a proportion of our humanity," he said. "I hope for their sake that these so-called university people never have to look an injured child in the collateral damage."

The governments of Britain and its ally, the United States, had both said that terrorists were totally irrational and were parasitic on fictitious anomalies in the democratic record, he said. "Once a fact has been decreed by a sovereign, independent government, there is no reason to accept just anybody's version of things," the Foreign Secretary said.

General Claiborne P Minuteman, Commander-under-God of the Enlightenment Alliance forces in Persian-occupied Iran, also condemned the controversial report.

"It says terrorists are just like the rest of us, it gives credence to killers who have not been renditioned and therefore may well be lying, and it doesn't even do it from a representative group of specimens," he said. "This isn't science, it's politics. It's just a bunch of academics reaching their own conclusions."

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