Fortress Britain plc

We all know what a wonderful job private contractors have made of railways, benefits agencies, water supplies and giving the subject races in Iraq a helping hand; so it should come as no surprise that the Home Secretary, John Reid, has drawn up plans to let them loose on the immigration service - in the "enforcement" department, naturally. The "immigration enforcement budget" (the kick-'em-out kitty, in Oldspeak) is to be doubled over the next three years, as is the number of "enforcement operations".

Although there has been, according to Reid's doubtless unimpeachable claim, "a 72% reduction in the number of people who are seeking asylum in this country", we are still being swamped by alien hordes who think we're a soft touch. Many of the aliens, of course, are from primitive cultures marked by authoritarianism, xenophobia and a predilection for extra-judicial torture; hence, in the third major envelope-scrawl of reforms to be announced this week, Reid also plans to put passport control officers in uniform so that the service "becomes more visible to the public and to act as a deterrent to illegal migrants trying to enter the country". The law and the Daily Mail haven't stopped the bastards, but the uniforms will scare them back into their packing crates as quick and neat as Tony Blair's slick little manifesto sliding up into Rupert Murdoch's oily great bulldog clip.

According to John Denham, the chair of the home affairs select committee, the real problem is "there is no way of ensuring that when somebody is told that they should leave the country, that their departure follows very quickly." The uniforms will certainly help there. Meanwhile, with a devastating lack of insight into the real problem, the Countess of Mar, Deputy Speaker of the House of Donors and vice-president of the association representing members of the Immigration Appeals Tribunal, has resigned her twenty-year membership because of the "incompetence" on display. Still, no doubt the "commissioning, contracting out and outsourcing" of the people-bailiff business, which ministers are even now exploring, will also end the "farce" whereby the Immigration Appeals Tribunal is losing track of failed asylum seekers; is refusing those who, despite the best efforts of Reid and his predecessors, still merit sanctuary; is imposing "unacceptable delays" on those awaiting the soothing compassion of our Britishness; and is even seeing other work "sidelined or even deliberately manipulated". Manipulated - and under a New Labour government, no less.

As always, we must remember that things could easily be worse. If the Countess had her way, for example, she would tell the asylum seekers: "you are very welcome if you find yourself a job and accommodation within six weeks, if you keep our laws and don't demand health service treatment immediately, and after so many years you can come into the system - and if you can't do that you get sent back immediately". Thank heaven and John Reid that this wishy-washy wellmeaningism is being reformed into something a bit more enforcing. What our new immigration enforcement personnel will look like has not yet been decided, but I certainly look forward to helping foot the bill for their formidability-positive couture.