Anomalous Warfare

Three inmates of the Guantánamo Bay anomaly have committed suicide in a cowardly and ruthless act of asymmetrical warfare against their less cowardly and ruthless jailers. Two Saudis and a Yemeni were found "unresponsive and not breathing" and, now that attempts to resuscitate them have failed, are being treated "with the utmost respect". The anomaly's commandant, Rear Admiral Harry B Harris Junior, late of Operations Iraqi Liberation and Enduring Freedom, Harvard/Tufts graduate in Public Administration and Master of Arts in National Security Studies, was quick to place the deaths in perspective: "They are smart. They are creative, they are committed. They have no regard for life, neither ours nor their own," the Rear Admiral said, without mentioning how many of the anomaly's guards were killed or injured during the smart, creative, committed suicides. "I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us," the Rear Admiral said. I am sure we stand shoulder to shoulder with the victims of this latest terrorist atrocity, and await with due concern the casualty figures for the American side.