The Curmudgeon


Monday, May 29, 2006

Small Business Strangled by EU Interference

Not all Britons are like those softies at the Home Office who cannot deport sufficient people to make ends meet. A law and order enthusiast in Suffolk has diversified his farmer's trade to construct gallows for export to "countries in Africa and the Middle East". A traditional platform gallows sells for £12,000, and for the real stickler for law and order there is the "multi-hanging system", a mobile apparatus made from the trailer of an articulated lorry and capable of disarticulating five or six necks at a stretch.

Like the Vicar of Downing Street, this benefactor of humanity has a selective view of human rights, which are inalienable only in the law-abiding. He is careful to note the built-in safety features of his merchandise: "The production of gallows is for law and order, not for bad people to get hold of it. You can't pick up a set of gallows and go and shoot someone with it. Gallows can't fall into the wrong hands like knives or guns", Africa and the Middle East being notable for the orderly and law-abiding nature of their governments.

Along with "a senior British police officer and army servicemen, as well as people from America, Africa, Canada, Denmark and Germany", his supporters include "Americans coming off the [Mildenhall] airbase shaking my hand, telling me they totally believe in what I'm doing and we need to get law and order under control." The people who have got law and order under control are people like Tony's new chum Colonel Gadafi: "You are safer walking down the street in Libya and African countries than you are here and that's because of capital punishment ... They are laughing at us in third world countries because we've got no deterrent against crime. They are the only ones who have got law and order under control."

When not engaged in woodwork or learning from foreign cultures, this benefactor of humanity studies genetics as it applies to forensic science: "With modern science and the ability to trace DNA, the chance of having someone wrongfully arrested is zero." He cites the case of Anthony Rice, who committed murder after being released from prison after a sixteen-year sentence for rape. "If that man had been used with my gallows he would never have killed again," he said. "How many lives have been saved because of people like me with the gallows?" Perhaps the crime rate in America is so high because they use the wrong methods to execute people; or perhaps it is because the Americans don't have a gibbet in every market place: "there is more deterrent when a person is hanging there and they see that door open and they drop".

Despite his combination of moral fervour and core British values (entrepreneurialism, legality-and-orderliness, and the enthusiastic approval of the United States armed services), this benefactor of humanity may shortly be prevented from carrying out his honest trade. The same European Union which has de-flavoured our crisps and regulated our sausages will be bringing in a new regulation on 31 July, which may choke off the burgeoning cottage industry, apparently by classifying the gallows as "torture equipment". This is clearly undemocratic in the extreme: "There are so many people in the world who believe I am right that you cannot condemn it."


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