The Curmudgeon


Thursday, May 25, 2006

News 2020

Industry sponsorship of foetuses set for early delivery

The Government has announced new reforms of the reforms not previously reformed under the previous reforms of the reforms of the previous Government, the Government announced today.

The new package of reforms "continues the Government's agenda of integrationalising education industry throughput with the requirements of industry and high street spending," said the Minister of Life, Culper Squamous, today.

Under the new reforms, companies with "provenly positivistic records of track in the social responsibility market" would be able to offer "life sponsorships" to developing foetuses from up to six months before birth.

The developing human resources would be electronically tagged while in the womb with a permanent "benignancy beeper" which could be read by electronic scanners in high street shops and industry-approved schools.

When the human resource matured into a consumer, the beeper would enable shops and schools owned by the sponsoring company to give special discounts and privileges to those who had the appropriate sponsorship profile.

The presence of benignancy beepers would also enable industry to regulate high street spending through induced integrationalisation of customer spending patterns, according to Blattner and Scumble, who manufactured the prototype.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, criticised the proposals as "an interference with the basic right of free shopping and therefore as invidious a dilution of Britishness as can possibly be contemplated."

However, in an unexpected move the Minister of Life denied Mr Johnson's allegations. "The Government's proposals are a true middle way forward to victory in the war on non-integration and the absolute and permanent cauterisation of the Gordian knot which has blown up in the faces of so many who tried to extenuate the work-life balance before," Mr Squamous said.

A spokesperson from the Department of Life later confirmed that Mr Squamous' statement was a denial of Mr Johnson's allegations.


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