The Curmudgeon


Friday, April 28, 2006

The Workman is Worthy of his Meat

Church of England plc released a reassuring report on its financial state yesterday. Besides its large holdings of land in various cathedral cities, where land is presumably less worldly than elsewhere, the church has invested in industrial estates in such spiritual centres as Swindon and Waltham Cross, and in non-materialistic shopping centres such as the no doubt supremely ascetic Cribbs Causeway Centre in Bristol. Last year the church made room for the still, small voice of carbon monoxide asphyxiation and a purely incidental profit of nineteen million pounds from selling 99-year leases on garage space in London; and it holds a ten per cent interest and associated land in Europe's largest, and therefore most heavenly, shopping and leisure centre. As one would expect, this consecrated ground is called the MetroCentre and provides "shoppertainment", with an eleven-screen cinema and shops which close a whole two hours early on Sunday.

This is all very comforting, as it bodes well for the church's future investments in education. It is to be hoped that C of E plc will broadcast this report as widely as possible, so as to alleviate worries about schoolchildren being indoctrinated with Christian dogma, since it now seems entirely possible that the Church of England's interest in our schools will, after all, be purely financial and geared to profit alone.


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