Missed Opportunity

A reporter for the scumbag tabloid News of the World "is understood to have applied for a job as a housekeeping assistant" at Buckingham Palace. Unfortunately, the pioneering journalist, one Bethany Usher, has been arrested on suspicion of "attempting to obtain pecuniary advantage by deception"; this being something that falls outside her remit as a journalist, apparently.

This is clearly to be regretted. If the entire staff at Buckingham Palace consisted of reporters, the advantages to all parties would be tremendous. Given proper training under appropriately mediaeval conditions, the journalists could soon stand in for the various maids, grooms, chauffeurs, cooks, ladies-in-waiting, footmen, bodyguards, button-fasteners, corgi-walkers, equine maintenance officials, shoelace connectivity operatives, and even perhaps fools, without which our royal family (gawblessemall) would be unable to fulfil its various invaluable functions.

Full-time work at Buckingham Palace would afford endless opportunities for reporters to see how the Windsors (gawblessemall) really live; to obtain in the fullest possible detail the essence of every precious moment that passed within those awesome halls and chambers, wherein the British royal family (gawblessemall) continues to embody all those things in the British national character which are dignified, historical, and of interest to readers of scumbag tabloids.

Meanwhile, the Windsors (gawblessemall), while proceeding about the embodiment process, would have the chance to confront face to face those intrusive rascals who have so shamelessly abused their privacy all these years. In their position as employers, the royal family (gawblessemall) would be able to exercise a considerable degree of control over the journalists' working days, besides having the chance to show how misunderstood, misrepresented and misquoted the Windsors (gawblessemall) have always been in the past.

Think of it: for the journalists, a continual and unrelenting eye upon the nation's biggest and most eternally interesting story; for the Royals (gawblessemall), a continual and unrelenting eye upon the journalists. Furthermore, if the Windsors (gawblessemall) and the tabloids could come to some such private symbiosis, perhaps the rest of us might at last be left to ourselves, on an island made more pleasant by their permanent confinement within the walls of the Buckingham Public Zoo.