Good News

The Independent newspaper, which is as independent of advertising revenue as most other newspapers, today offers the lucky consumer one of those periodic lectures on good environmental behaviour which pass for Britain's eco-conscience.

The perennial favourite, "Plant a tree" is there, while those concerned about the new Heathrow extension are advised to try Bournemouth instead of New York for their holidays. If you are worried about Britain's approaching failure to meet the pitifully inadequate Kyoto targets, worry no longer. All you need do is put a plastic bottle in your cistern, lower your thermostat by one degree, write on both sides of the paper and buy the locally produced, organic food that is so plentiful at your nearest WalMart equivalent.

You should also avoid driving if possible and use public transport, such as it is, if you can afford it. Alistair Darling, the transport secretary, has said that, regarding the costs of railway company profits, "we've got to strike a balance between the amount of money that the taxpayer puts in and the amount that the fare payer puts in as well". Apparently fare payers and taxpayers are two distinct groups, taxpayers being presumably those who drive cars.

Other good news: the Guardian has collated the statistics for 2005 and found that, despite the fact that "huge death tolls in natural disasters and war overshadowed the trials and tribulations of daily life", there were no deaths worth mentioning in Iraq.