Sex, Intelligent Design and Microtus Ochrogaster

A few months ago, as everyone knows, it was conclusively proven that God exists and that he believes in traditional family values. Penguins, like Christians, are monogamous (sort of); and, unlike many species not created by God, they tend to look after their young. "Penguins are the really ideal example of monogamy," gushed one Rich Lowry to an audience of the young and gullible. He was discussing the film March of the Penguins, which is about emperor penguins. Emperor penguins are serially monogamous, taking a different partner every year. Like Christians, too, penguins cannot fly except by the will of God; are frequently wet; and are probably unable to grasp the finer points of documentaries about penguins.

Nevertheless, Republican family values, as set down by Jesus, continue to be discovered amidst the humbler fauna. Researchers at Florida State University have discovered scientific proof that monogamy is nature's way.

Prairie voles, like Christians and unlike emperor penguins, have a "habit of lifelong monogamy", to the extent that male prairie voles will show aggression towards other females once they have found Miss Right, rather like certain human males whose bride is the Church. Also like Christians, prairie voles "use postures to indicate behaviors toward enemies or competitors. They signal a threat by raising their forefeet, extending their head forward, and chattering their teeth. Other postures are the upright stand, the lunge, boxing, wrestling, the chase, and retreat." Obviously this is a sign.

After mating, the male voles become devoted to their chosen ones, apparently thanks to a sizeable release of dopamine in their little brains. The dopamine restructures a part of the vole's little brain called the nucleus accumbens, which translates aptly as reclining nut. Many other animals, apart from voles, have a nucleus accumbens, including human beings. The restructuring of their reclining nuts meant that the voles remained faithful to their females even when the introduction of new females caused renewed production of dopamine.

The researchers acknowledged that, as the astute reader may have suspected, "the love lives of voles differ from those of humans"; but as long as the brain structures are similar they will work in similar ways. The word vole, of course, is an anagram of love. Coincidence? I think not. The fingerprints of the Divine Hand are all over this one.