Testing for Britishness
As my more tolerant readers may be aware, I have had occasion recently to suffer one or two qualms about the state of my Britishness. Until Michael Howard enlightened me, I had always thought of Britishness as being a rather incidental and amorphous quality, no more a source of pride than the colour of my eyes, the size of my feet or the fact that I share an island with Michael Howard.
In fact, I am still not terribly clear about why I should feel pride in a geo-gynaecological accident; but now, thanks to the new, radical, firm-but-multicultural Home Office test I am at last able to gain some idea of just how British I am; or at least, how British I deserve to be. The Home Office has published four practice questions with multiple-choice answers, so that people can practise being British before doing the test. The Home Office also lists a number of further topics which will also be covered in the questions.
Although the multiple choices for these topics are not yet available, I have decided to take on the challenge, in the sincere belief that Britishness means being good at exams. In the great British tradition of individual freedom, I shall answer only those questions which I wish to answer. I would be most obliged for your opinion as to the extent of my Britishness, and your advice as to any means by which I might seek to maximalise it further.
Do women have equal rights and has this always been the case?
In theory, yes and no. In practice, no and yes.
When do children take tests at school? How many go on to higher education?
The answers to both these questions depend upon the ramifications of the latest radical reform of the education system, and therefore vary from month to month, according to the whims of Tony and the tabloids.
What are the minimum ages for buying alcohol and tobacco? What drugs are illegal?
Age eighteen, I suppose. Illegal drugs include heroin, marijuana, cocaine, amphetamines, and tobacco some of the time and in certain places. Carbon monoxide and war propaganda, on the other hand, are not only legal but compulsory.
How interested are young people in politics? What do they see as the main issues today?
I neither know nor care.
Where are geordie, cockney and scouse dialects spoken?
London.
Do people tend to live in the cities or in the country?
That tends to depend on whether their accommodation is urban or rural.
What and when are the national days of the four countries of the UK? What are bank holidays?
This is a trick question. The UK does not consist of four countries. It consists of three countries and one colony. Bank holidays are single-day holidays scattered through the year to commemorate the wonders of banking. For example, the first of May, which used to have unhealthy socialist connotations, is now the May bank holiday.
What and when are the main Christian festivals? What other traditional days are celebrated?
The main Christian festivals are Easter, which is a moveable feast, and Christmas, which runs from 30 September to 2 January. What other traditional days are celebrated depends upon what tradition the celebrant belongs to.
What are MPs? How often are elections held and who forms the government?
MPs are Members of Parliament. Elections are held about every four years according to how the government of the day judges the whims of the tabloids. The government is formed by the party with the most seats in the House of Commons, no matter how few votes it may have gained.
What type of constitution does the UK have?
A very convenient one for the right sort of people.
In fact, I am still not terribly clear about why I should feel pride in a geo-gynaecological accident; but now, thanks to the new, radical, firm-but-multicultural Home Office test I am at last able to gain some idea of just how British I am; or at least, how British I deserve to be. The Home Office has published four practice questions with multiple-choice answers, so that people can practise being British before doing the test. The Home Office also lists a number of further topics which will also be covered in the questions.
Although the multiple choices for these topics are not yet available, I have decided to take on the challenge, in the sincere belief that Britishness means being good at exams. In the great British tradition of individual freedom, I shall answer only those questions which I wish to answer. I would be most obliged for your opinion as to the extent of my Britishness, and your advice as to any means by which I might seek to maximalise it further.
Do women have equal rights and has this always been the case?
In theory, yes and no. In practice, no and yes.
When do children take tests at school? How many go on to higher education?
The answers to both these questions depend upon the ramifications of the latest radical reform of the education system, and therefore vary from month to month, according to the whims of Tony and the tabloids.
What are the minimum ages for buying alcohol and tobacco? What drugs are illegal?
Age eighteen, I suppose. Illegal drugs include heroin, marijuana, cocaine, amphetamines, and tobacco some of the time and in certain places. Carbon monoxide and war propaganda, on the other hand, are not only legal but compulsory.
How interested are young people in politics? What do they see as the main issues today?
I neither know nor care.
Where are geordie, cockney and scouse dialects spoken?
London.
Do people tend to live in the cities or in the country?
That tends to depend on whether their accommodation is urban or rural.
What and when are the national days of the four countries of the UK? What are bank holidays?
This is a trick question. The UK does not consist of four countries. It consists of three countries and one colony. Bank holidays are single-day holidays scattered through the year to commemorate the wonders of banking. For example, the first of May, which used to have unhealthy socialist connotations, is now the May bank holiday.
What and when are the main Christian festivals? What other traditional days are celebrated?
The main Christian festivals are Easter, which is a moveable feast, and Christmas, which runs from 30 September to 2 January. What other traditional days are celebrated depends upon what tradition the celebrant belongs to.
What are MPs? How often are elections held and who forms the government?
MPs are Members of Parliament. Elections are held about every four years according to how the government of the day judges the whims of the tabloids. The government is formed by the party with the most seats in the House of Commons, no matter how few votes it may have gained.
What type of constitution does the UK have?
A very convenient one for the right sort of people.
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