The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

News 2020

PM slams "armchair humanitarians"

White House officials have branded as "nonsensical" accusations that forces of the Special Executive Iraq Zone United Response Enterprise (SEIZURE) have used nuclear weapons in Persian-occupied Iran.

The use of nuclear weapons against civilians is thought to be considered illegal under some of the various non-proliferation treaties to parts of which the US is almost a signatory.

Coalition forces detonated a small plutonium device over Tehran, destroying several hundred thousand terrorist spider holes which would have taken weeks to clear with conventional weapons in an operation that could have cost as many as dozens of Allied lives, officials said today.

General Claiborne P Minuteman, Commander-under-God of the SEIZURE forces in the liberation of Iran, has admitted that civilian casualties may have been sustained.

But he insisted that the device had been used "in concordance with the rules of engagement", as a "purely illuminative measure".

The light emitted by the device, which was several times brighter than the sun, enabled Allied forces to pinpoint the location of the city from several miles' distance in all directions, despite the darkness of the alien Arabic night, General Minuteman said.

The destruction of much of the city and the possible death of some civilians from exposure to high temperatures or mobilised urban matter was "an unfortunate side effect," he admitted.

But the General maintained that the operation, codenamed Light of Truth, was the quickest and most humane way of shaking and baking the city to flush out the bowel cancer of terror and prevent aggravated creeparound of the trapdoor spider of suicide bombing.

The British Prime Minister was also quick to deny that US military actions forbidden under international law were necessarily war crimes, and said that claims of massive unwellness from radioactivity among the civilian population were the work of "self-righteous fifth columnists".

"Some of these armchair humanitarians are rather quick to forget that if it weren't for radiation we wouldn't have X-rays or the BBC," he said.

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