The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

News 2020

New measures to exterminate culture of violence

School bullies could face harsh new penalties under a new package of Government packages announced today, the Government announced.

The Minister for Human Resource Maturation, Blearie Haze, said that British schools were suffering from a "culture of violence" which had to be stamped out of existence if civilisation were to survive.

"Accordingly, next year the Government will introduce legislation to deter bullying from taking place and to utterly punish those who do with dynamic punitivity," Ms Haze continued.

Under the new laws, children who bully other children will be subject to a scale of punishments ranging from electronic tagging to solitary confinement, physical restraint and sleep deprivation.

The Government's opening of a new front in the war on childishness will be seen as a response to several incidences of violence among schoolchildren, some of which have made headlines in the tabloids.

Ms Haze said that parents, teachers, television, computer games, toys, local authorities and the last seventy years of education reforms were all to blame for the epidemic of bullying, which has resulted in fourteen extrajudicial juvenile executions in the last quarter of this year alone.

Only the Government, the police and the armed forces were innocent of blame for the situation, she said.

However, Ms Haze also said that the statistical increases were deceptive, as they included figures from the new Little Jobbies work preparation outlets for human resources aged three months or less.

The shadow minister for human resources, Davina Davies-Davidson, condemned the proposals. "It is ridiculous to talk of deterrence or punishment where no physical threat is involved," she said.

The NuConLib Alliance's manifesto proposals allowing schools to subcontract paid prefects with authority to inflict "minor but salutary physical damage" would ensure "a rapid statistical detumescence in bullying figures," Ms Davies-Davidson said.

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