Burning Ambition

Terrorism Non-Glorifying Dialogue for Stuffed Suit and Effigy

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Penny for the guy?

JEREMY CORBYN MP
Sorry sonny, not today.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Trick or treat?

MICHAEL HOWARD MP
Not now.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Penny for the guy?

FRANK DOBSON MP
I don't think so, son.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Trick or treat?

DAVID BLUNKETT MP
What's the trick?

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
A new Terrorism Act.

DAVID BLUNKETT MP
What's the treat?

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
A three-line whip.

DAVID BLUNKETT MP
Well, Rebekah was just here. I don't think I'll bother.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Penny for the guy?

GUY
Is this going to go on all night?

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Argh! Who said that?

GUY
I did. The one you've been pushing around all evening.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
I never push anyone around. I'm the Home Secretary.

GUY
Well, I'm sitting in this pram, and you're pushing the pram around.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Well, I'm not pushing you, then, am I?

GUY
You are - and pushing me dirt cheap too, by the sound. "Penny for the guy", indeed.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
During the last eight years of Labour government, inflation has -

GUY
Put a sock in it, do.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
You can't talk to me like that.

GUY
Of course I can. I just did. I've even got a sock, somewhere -

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
You're just an old suit stuffed with garbage.

GUY
Precisely. That's why we can communicate so well. We're practically brothers, except that your ears stick out more.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
They do not.

GUY
Yes they do.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
You're a terrorist.

GUY
I'm nothing of the sort.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
I assure you it is a matter of compelling factuality that you are. You're a Catholic religious fanatic and regicide bomber who tried to destroy the Houses of Parliament four hundred years ago. I'm trying to flog an Act at the moment that will stop people just like you, except that they're suicide bombers and not Catholic and only potential terrorists, just in case.

GUY
No I'm not.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
What?

GUY
I'm an old suit stuffed with garbage. You said so yourself. I'm the effigy of an historical figure. A shoddily thrown together representation of the human form, which is another reason why we can communicate so well.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
I wish you'd stop saying that.

GUY
Can't help it. As long as you say I'm a terrorist, my right to silence is long gone.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
And rightly too. The police should have the power to protect innocent people and keep our democracy safe from the depredations of those who would inflict their evil ideology on the democratic innocence of our people and police. Penny for the guy!

CHARLES KENNEDY MP
I'll give you a penny if you promise not to do anything naughty with it.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
All right. (Takes penny and throws it in the pram)

GUY
Ow!

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Shut up!

GUY
I still don't understand why you're pushing me - I mean, pushing this pram around with me in it.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
That's so I can collect pennies and then burn you in effigy as a beacon of historicity and an example to all terrorists everywhere.

GUY
Don't be silly. How can you burn an effigy in effigy? You're confusing the representation of an historical figure with the man himself.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Rubbish.

GUY
That's me.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Which is precisely why you must be burned. We are confronting extremists whose aims are to kill and maim as many people as possible, to strike at the heart of our society and destroy what we stand for. These terrorists are part of complex international organisations that make ever greater use of new technology such as encrypted computers. Further attacks remain a real possibility, so action to protect our citizens is urgent. The Government has introduced the Terrorism Bill, currently going through Parliament, to try and ensure that the police and intelligence services have the powers they need to stay ahead of the new breed of terrorist. Yet some are opposing the Government's proposals, which come on the advice of specialist anti-terrorist police. Penny for the guy!

KENNETH CLARKE MP
Piss off.

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
You can keep your fucking pennies, Mr Liberal Home Secretary 1992... (Blows raspberry)

GUY
So what do you need the pennies for?

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
Well, the new police powers will be quite extensive. We're going to need an identity card scheme to keep track of all the arrests and detentions and burnings, so I'm saving up.

GUY
Sorry, can we back up a bit. Why exactly must I be burned?

RT HON CHARLES CLARKE MP
And before you are burned you must be hanged, then while still alive you must be taken down and your entrails removed and burned before your eyes. Then you must be chopped into four pieces, with a safety-conscious non-flammable firework display while the children gouge out a strictly limited quota of eyes with their little sparklers. Where do you think you're going?

GUY
(Fawkes off)