The Satanic Supplement

Clodgery,n. Hard and unrewarding work among resistant thicknesses.
Her classroom and her flower beds alike appeared made entirely of clay, wherein no amount of clodgery would persuade the smallest shoot to flourish.
Wilhelmina Druckle

Gangster,n. A politician or businessman with inadequately developed media skills and limited access to professional plastic surgery.

Island,n. Piece of land surrounded by water on all sides, except for the side that matters.

Last Supper,n. The occasion of Christ’s final meal before his crucifixion, resurrection, ascension, deification and distortion. It was at this solemn festival that Mary Magdalene emptied a bottle of expensive perfume over Christ’s feet, causing Judas to complain that its value might better have been spent on the poor. Christ rebuked him, thus establishing for all time the Christian preference for practical ritual over empty concern for the needy.

Ordinance,n.(US) Bombs. Hence the term Ordinance Survey, a map of British bombables.

Pen,n. A weapon commonly held to be mightier than the sword, although the blunt ignorance behind the sword is frequently mightier still.

Remains,n. A corpse not intact enough to be "resting", and not sufficiently departed to be "at peace".
Those mourners in bleak cavalcade
Are gathered to bury a maid
Who had the bad luck
To be squashed by a truck
And scraped from the road with a spade.
Rev. Wibley Beamish

Smile,n. Facial politics.

Truth,n. The first casualty in war; hence the near-universal enthusiasm for the war against terrorism, the war against anti-social behaviour, the war against drugs, the war against poverty, etc.

Uniform,n. A mode of dress popular among paid thugs of the self-righteous variety, signifying controllability and a propensity for directable violence. As a sexual attractant, the uniform is now less often admitted to than the famous triad "gentleness, consideration, sense of humour", but is probably more reliable.