Don't Mention the War
I am in receipt of an unsigned email titled "Labour Party Conference 2005". Beneath the title is the date for said conference: 25-29 September, a period when unfortunately I shall be in this country. Presumably as an indication of the conference's atmosphere, the words are superimposed in white over a red-tinted gathering of solemn infants. At the left of the picture, an adult hand is just visible, protruding from a white, saviour-style cuff to rest beatifically on the head of one of the little beasts. I wonder who that could be.
"Speaking to a special pre-conference meeting of the Cabinet this morning," the message commences, "the Prime Minister said the Labour Conference in Brighton next week would focus on 'securing Britain's future' in a world of rapid change." In order to do this, the only possible option is to continue the "radical reforms needed to ensure public services focused on the needs and expectations of hard-working families". All Britons worthy of the name are hard-working families.
The Prime Minister mentioned a second necessary condition for true Britishness a short sermon later: "the Labour mission is to build a society where those who work hard and play by the rules are in charge of their communities and getting ahead in their lives." Those who find the rules not to their liking will perhaps be given the opportunity to hang themselves in their cells, asylum-seeker fashion. China, whose new economic power has left Tony in no doubt of the global challenge we face, could offer no less.
"Faced with the opportunities and insecurities the future brings," the Prime Minister said, the Government "must manage this change and not turn our face against it." We must not turn our face against the insecurity of climate change, nor against the opportunities for nuclear proliferation so thoughtfully provided by Tony's masters in Washington. We "must equip our people for the future in a way that is driven by Labour values, managed for the benefit of everyone, not just a few." We must manage the change, we must manage the way. Tony and his fellow advertising men already have plenty of experiencing in managing the truth and the light.
Still, it is reassuring to note that the future will be managed by the few "for the benefit of everyone" - everyone, that is, who works hard, plays by the rules, has a family, can afford a good school and is prudent enough not to fall ill, claim benefits or look at a surveillance camera wrong. As always, no Briton worthy of the name - no reader or owner of a Murdoch rant-rag, for example - has anything to fear from New Labour policy.
I shall pass discreetly over the paragraph about the "huge role" of Labour supporters in delivering the famous historic third term. The Prime Minister noted "your tireless campaigning, your deep roots in communities and the role you played in shaping our policies and agenda". I suppose the poor devils who shoved a leaflet through my letterbox were shaping an agenda after a fashion, though more often than not they merely creased it. I am certainly glad that Labour supporters have deep roots in communities. If those leaflets had been delivered by loners in hoods or by homeless people, who knows what moral germs they might have carried?
In conclusion, the Prime Minister said something about "renewing Britain as a modern social democracy" - the obligatory "little joke", one presumes. I wish speechwriters could be discouraged from their deplorable tendency to try and "humanise" politicians. The Prime Minister also "told the Cabinet that Labour was re-elected in May with a large majority because the British people share our values" - doubtless to renewed hilarity.
"Speaking to a special pre-conference meeting of the Cabinet this morning," the message commences, "the Prime Minister said the Labour Conference in Brighton next week would focus on 'securing Britain's future' in a world of rapid change." In order to do this, the only possible option is to continue the "radical reforms needed to ensure public services focused on the needs and expectations of hard-working families". All Britons worthy of the name are hard-working families.
The Prime Minister mentioned a second necessary condition for true Britishness a short sermon later: "the Labour mission is to build a society where those who work hard and play by the rules are in charge of their communities and getting ahead in their lives." Those who find the rules not to their liking will perhaps be given the opportunity to hang themselves in their cells, asylum-seeker fashion. China, whose new economic power has left Tony in no doubt of the global challenge we face, could offer no less.
"Faced with the opportunities and insecurities the future brings," the Prime Minister said, the Government "must manage this change and not turn our face against it." We must not turn our face against the insecurity of climate change, nor against the opportunities for nuclear proliferation so thoughtfully provided by Tony's masters in Washington. We "must equip our people for the future in a way that is driven by Labour values, managed for the benefit of everyone, not just a few." We must manage the change, we must manage the way. Tony and his fellow advertising men already have plenty of experiencing in managing the truth and the light.
Still, it is reassuring to note that the future will be managed by the few "for the benefit of everyone" - everyone, that is, who works hard, plays by the rules, has a family, can afford a good school and is prudent enough not to fall ill, claim benefits or look at a surveillance camera wrong. As always, no Briton worthy of the name - no reader or owner of a Murdoch rant-rag, for example - has anything to fear from New Labour policy.
I shall pass discreetly over the paragraph about the "huge role" of Labour supporters in delivering the famous historic third term. The Prime Minister noted "your tireless campaigning, your deep roots in communities and the role you played in shaping our policies and agenda". I suppose the poor devils who shoved a leaflet through my letterbox were shaping an agenda after a fashion, though more often than not they merely creased it. I am certainly glad that Labour supporters have deep roots in communities. If those leaflets had been delivered by loners in hoods or by homeless people, who knows what moral germs they might have carried?
In conclusion, the Prime Minister said something about "renewing Britain as a modern social democracy" - the obligatory "little joke", one presumes. I wish speechwriters could be discouraged from their deplorable tendency to try and "humanise" politicians. The Prime Minister also "told the Cabinet that Labour was re-elected in May with a large majority because the British people share our values" - doubtless to renewed hilarity.
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