The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, August 05, 2005

News 2020

Call for revaluation of "great" "British" king

The Shadow Home Secretary, Sir Raybid Vadis, has demanded an immediate inquiry into the "sycophantic cult of nomenclature" which has arisen in the past 1100 years over the historical figure of the "British" King Alfred.

Despite the popular esteem in which his memory is held, Alfred allowed hordes of Danish immigrants to settle in the country and was also guilty of translating books from foreign languages, Sir Raybid said today. He may even have been a Roman Catholic.

"The Scandinavian tidal wave permitted by Alfred was merely the opener of the floodgates to the steady drip of immigrants pouring into this country thanks to wishy-washy so-called multiculturalists," Sir Raybid said.

Even Alfred's translations were faulty, being rendered in a "Germanised perversion of English that is nothing whatever like the lanuage of Chaucer, Shakespeare or Winston Churchill," continued Sir Raybid.

Alfred is the only "British" king to be known as "the Great", despite such later monarchs as Edward I, Edward III, Henry VIII and Elizabeth I, all of whom, according to Sir Raybid, merit the title more through having chopped up more Scotsmen, Frenchmen, wives and Spaniards, respectively.

Sir Raybid also credits Queen Victoria with pioneering "genuine British morality" and Queen Elizabeth II with permitting Baroness Thatcher and Lord Blair of Belmarsh "to rescue the ship of state from its bed of nails and set it on the road to true nationality".

Defenders of King Alfred have pointed out that the famous burning of the cakes was at least a genuine instance of British culinary skill. However, most modern historians agree with Sir Raybid that the incident probably did not take place.

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