The Satanic Supplement

Birth,n. Hereditary and universal cause of death.

Child,n. Buffer zone in the cold war politics of family life.

Foot,n. Mankind's transportation equipment, designed by God to operate the accelerator pedal.

Impartial,adj. Giving equal weight to opposing points of view, without bias or preference, fear or favour. Hence, if the Government says that 2+2=7 and the opposition says that 2+2=17, the impartial news media will courageously report that 2+2=12.

Like-minded,adj. Possessed of an equivalent mental deficiency.

Obstetrics,n. Branch of medicine concerned with one of the more widespread venereal diseases.
A kindly old midwife named Mavis
Was an expert delivering babies;
And having done this,
She gave each one a kiss
And a virulent new strain of rabies.
Rev. Wibley Beamish

Patriotism,n. Pride in those aspects of one's own national heritage which one likes to imagine led to the breeding of such people as oneself. This definition applies to all cases except that of Her Britannic Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the Falklands, Home of the Tongue that Shakespeare Spoke, Guardian of the Freedom of the Seas, etc., etc., in which the words "one's own national heritage" above must be replaced with "the rulers of the United States".

Queets,n.pl. Curls of baby hair preserved by mothers for the purpose of humiliating offspring in later life.
He never dared take a girl home for fear his mother would produce the photograph album and his thirty-nine-year-old queets.
Isidore Yoffsnark

Utmost,n. As little as can be got away with.

X-ray,n. Means by which doctors determine how much of a prospective corpse is bone.