Back the Bid with Tony

God's little messenger speaks to me once more. "Dear supporter," he writes, "As many of you will know, I am a passionate supporter of London's bid to bring the 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games to the UK for the first time in 64 years".

There are several startling revelations here. The fact that I am a supporter of Tony Blair - for it is he - came as something of a shock, as always. Even more surprising is the fact that the 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games were apparently held in London in 1948; perhaps most interesting of all, from a personal point of view, is the fact that many of me will know about Tony's passionate support for the bid. But Tony says it, so it must be true.

"London's bid," the doggie further imparts, "has captured the imagination of the British public. ... Over two million people have directly registered their support for the bid and all the major political parties are united behind it." I seem to remember a time when two million people directly registering some opinion or other was decried as mob rule, mass ignorance, the very antithesis of New Labour democrato-niceness. Now, I wonder what that could have been. It's on the tip of my tongue. No, it's gone. Anyway, the major political parties are united, which is of course what counts.

The reasons for this outpouring of democratic feeling in our normally apathy-sunk electorate are not difficult to see, according to the shield and buckler of St George W Bush. A London victory on 6 July would mean:

- "thousands of new jobs" for the duration of the Games and the preceding chaos;

- "the chance to host athlete preparation camps up and down the country" for anyone fascinated by athlete preparation;

- lots and lots of used sports equipment, "five temporary swimming pools and four arenas redistributed across the UK after the Games end". New Labour may not be so hot on redistributing wealth, but we've got Millennium Dome Tony's solemn promise on five swimming pools and four arenas;

- "a UK-wide cultural festival" of advertisements, medal counts, petty xenophobia and twenty-four-hour, seven-day, back-played, slo-mo'd, re-capped, millisecond-to-millisecond coverage of anatomical freaks demonstrating the effectiveness of various pharmaceutical concoctions by performing various pointless activities;

- "the largest volunteering opportunities ever seen in post-war Britain" for those who enjoy working for nothing; and

- "a sporting legacy for the whole of the UK which will be felt for generations to come." Tony likes his legacies to be felt for generations to come, whether in the UK or further afield. The cancer capital of the Middle East, for instance.

But enough of mere material things: " as well as these tangible benefits, there is also the boost to our national pride". Perhaps this time we'll win almost as many gold medals as some of the Americans! I can feel my bosom swelling as I type, honest to Cheney I can. And don't forget "the inspiration our children will feel by (sic) witnessing the world's greatest sporting event on home soil" and the pathetic inability of our rotting infrastructure to cope with it all.

Oh, it will just be too, too jolly.