Mennear Mails Again

I have been privileged to receive another mailing from my Conservative candidate, Andrew Mennear, who is less patronising than John O'Farrell but also more illiterate. In anticipation of the election campaign as a whole, the leaflet is long, narrow and folded in upon itself. The front cover recycles the Young Conservatives' ladies' room graffiti from Michael Howard's poster campaign:

The law should protect me, not burglars!
It's not racist to impose limits on immigration.
I mean, how hard is it to keep a hospital clean?

Beneath these somewhat sub-Rochefoucauldian maxims there is a small rectangular peep-hole through which can be discerned, in robust blue print, the inevitable, rhetorical but all too answerable "Are you thinking what we're thinking?"

Along the seal are the Conservatives' five promises:

Cleaner Hospitals
Controlled Immigration
More Police
Lower Taxes
School Discipline

"Accountability", which was mentioned in a previous mailing, seems to have gone by the board this time; but to compensate, when you break the seal, a handy photograph beneath each promise provides a useful visual correlative for those unable to cope with slogans more than one word long. Beneath "Cleaner Hospitals" is a picture of a surgeon, who is decked out in cap and gown, presumably in the interests of hygiene. Apparently the Conservatives plan to make such togs compulsory, which would be a Good Thing, I am sure. Beneath "Controlled Immigration" is a picture of a British passport; beneath "More Police" a picture of two policemen; beneath "Lower Taxes" part of a twenty-pound note incorporating the Queen's right eye and the word "England"; and beneath "School Discipline" a picture of a child with one hand in the air. Perhaps he has been strung up by the thumb, for discipline's sake.

Discipline is getting to be something of a fetish in the Conservative campaign. Teenage burglars should be disciplined with a shotgun blast between the shoulder blades; asylum seekers should be disciplined by whatever methods seem appropriate in their country of origin; discipline must be "restored to Britain's classrooms" by giving head teachers "the power to expel disruptive pupils". Plans for this measure, it appears, will be set out on the first day of a Conservative government. When the pupils have been expelled, they will of course surge out, an anarchic mob of apocalyptic, householder-burgling, pensioner-buggering destructiveness, onto the streets. The Conservatives, bless them, have thought of that, too. "We will recruit an extra 5,000 police officers each year. This will help restore discipline and respect to our society." Andrew personally "would fight for substantially more police ... and less political correctness". He doesn't mention bringing back National Service, the death penalty or penal servitude with hard labour; but I'm sure that, given time and discipline, these blessings would be restored.

Inside the leaflet is a new and different picture of Andrew Mennear, who is still grinning but no longer wears a suit. As often happens when politicians try to pose as real human beings, Andrew looks a little harassed. His eyes are sunken in, and he has a definite five o'clock penumbra; and there are still five more weeks of campaigning to go. Possibly Andrew has recently been disciplined by Michael Howard; true, there are no visible marks, but those could probably have been Photoshopped away even on Finchley and Golders Green Conservatives' evidently rather threadbare budget.

Another part of the leaflet is largely red and dares me to "Imagine another four more years of Mr Blair". It appears that discipline in Andrew Mennear's English class was not all it should have been. In case I cannot imagine another four years of Mr Blair, the consequences are set out in a stark bullet-pointed list. Average council tax two thousand pounds; violent crime out of control; unlimited immigration; poor discipline in schools; more waste and higher taxes. Iraq is not mentioned, even under "violent crime"; but there is some compensation this time as pot plants are not mentioned either.

And, under the heading "And..." I am warned of two further perils. One is "More power handed over to Brussels". Will nothing keep those meddling Belgian paws off our potato crisp standards? Michael can do it. The other peril is "More rules and regulations telling us how to live our lives". I cannot recall offhand the Conservatives' position on consensual non-heterosexual relationships, but I believe it falls a little short of absolute deregulation.

Towards the bottom of the page, the red transforms itself subtly into orange and yellow as Andrew proclaims, "Liberal Democrats have the wrong priorities..." As might be expected, most of these wrong priorities are concerned with discipline. The Lib Dems "would abolish mandatory life sentences for murder and for a second violent or sexual crime" and "They think first-time burglars should not go to prison" and "They think prison is 'a complete and utter waste of time'." At any rate the Lib Dems appear to be consistent, provided of course that you don't mention the war. (Andrew doesn't.)

There is a quotation from Michael Howard: "You have a clear choice at this election, four more years of Mr Blair's talk or a Conservative government that will take action on the things that really matter." Andrew has wisely adopted the widespread tactic of local Labour organisations and has not put a picture of his Leader on the leaflet. It's still a far cry from the glory days of Saatchi and Saatchi, however.