News 2020
Care company patents "human flora"
A major American medical services provider has patented the medical condition known as "persistent vegetative state". The condition will be re-marketed next year under the brand name "Human Flowers" by its new owners, Thrusting Care Inc.
"We think Human Flowers are going to be a big hit all over the country," said Thrusting Care spokesperson Griner Bossett.
The Human Flowers will be sold with sufficient automated equipment to keep them breathing and digesting with "minimal customer input" for up to five years guaranteed, Mr Bossett said.
For the present, most Human Flowers have to be imported from the Third World, and thus come in colours which many Americans find less than decorative. However, hoped-for legislative adjustments may enable Americans to cultivate florally inclined relatives by the time the brand name hits the market in twelve to eighteen months' time.
"We also have negotiations under way with a well-known car manufacturer to install fenders designed by our own Thrusting technicians, which in the event of an involuntary pedestrian encounter will hopefully help preserve life functions while minimising the bodily suffering associated with consciousness," Mr Bossett continued. "Just one more way in which Thrusting saves lives."
The anticipated Homeland Human Horticulture Act will enable relatives to choose floral status for comatose individuals regardless of any wishes the individuals may have expressed before their relinquishment of cerebral ownership rights. "We in America believe that family values and concern for life should take precedence over selfish demands," the Commander-in-Chief said during a recent public feeding-tube reinsertion which he carried out personally.
To the relatives of those who gain floral status while in Thrusting Care's own hospitals, the corporation will offer special discounts on care and pharmaceutical bills if the horticultural option is pursued.
"The advantages are fantastically numerous," Mr Bossett told reporters today. "We offer you the child who will never disobey, the teenager who will never rebel, the spouse who will never argue, the parent who will never scold. Adult female flora can conceive and bear children in a perfectly normal way, and if the kids are stillborn we offer a special preservation service. Some Catholic families might get a whole herbaceous border that way. And it will save on hospital beds, too."
A major American medical services provider has patented the medical condition known as "persistent vegetative state". The condition will be re-marketed next year under the brand name "Human Flowers" by its new owners, Thrusting Care Inc.
"We think Human Flowers are going to be a big hit all over the country," said Thrusting Care spokesperson Griner Bossett.
The Human Flowers will be sold with sufficient automated equipment to keep them breathing and digesting with "minimal customer input" for up to five years guaranteed, Mr Bossett said.
For the present, most Human Flowers have to be imported from the Third World, and thus come in colours which many Americans find less than decorative. However, hoped-for legislative adjustments may enable Americans to cultivate florally inclined relatives by the time the brand name hits the market in twelve to eighteen months' time.
"We also have negotiations under way with a well-known car manufacturer to install fenders designed by our own Thrusting technicians, which in the event of an involuntary pedestrian encounter will hopefully help preserve life functions while minimising the bodily suffering associated with consciousness," Mr Bossett continued. "Just one more way in which Thrusting saves lives."
The anticipated Homeland Human Horticulture Act will enable relatives to choose floral status for comatose individuals regardless of any wishes the individuals may have expressed before their relinquishment of cerebral ownership rights. "We in America believe that family values and concern for life should take precedence over selfish demands," the Commander-in-Chief said during a recent public feeding-tube reinsertion which he carried out personally.
To the relatives of those who gain floral status while in Thrusting Care's own hospitals, the corporation will offer special discounts on care and pharmaceutical bills if the horticultural option is pursued.
"The advantages are fantastically numerous," Mr Bossett told reporters today. "We offer you the child who will never disobey, the teenager who will never rebel, the spouse who will never argue, the parent who will never scold. Adult female flora can conceive and bear children in a perfectly normal way, and if the kids are stillborn we offer a special preservation service. Some Catholic families might get a whole herbaceous border that way. And it will save on hospital beds, too."
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