The Curmudgeon


Thursday, March 17, 2005

6610 and all that: Extracts from a future history

Of Britain, Bollywood, the White Hall and "Vichy Arse"

...In its various wars of conquest, the Benighted State was assisted by numerous allies, including Britain, England, London, the White Hall and the mysterious "united kingdom". The locations and cultures of these various countries have unfortunately been lost; nor is it now clear precisely why these nations should have followed the Benighted State so faithfully in its every imperial adventure. One of them, Britain, apparently controlled an "empire" of its own at some stage, probably in the region then known as India, which has been identified with reasonable certainty as being the peninsula now called the Bollywood Triangle.

Incidentally, it is thought that the name "Bollywood" itself derives from a factory city in the Benighted State itself, where highly expensive fertiliser was manufactured to assist in the cultivation of a now extinct root vegetable, the so-called "couch potato". This vegetable was much prized in the Precatastrophic, being associated in some unknown fashion with the mysterious, gluteally-oriented home entertainment system called "VDD" or "Vichy arse". In any case, the use of the name Bollywood in the very heart of the Britain empire would seem to indicate a highly dependent, if not sycophantic, relationship of the Britain government towards the Benighted State. Possibly the Benighted State utilised the addictive potential of "Vichy arse" to keep its satraps under control.

It seems fairly clear, then, that even if it cannot be precisely pinpointed, the location of Britain was somewhere near the Bollywood Triangle, or India as it was then called. The locations of the other states are not so easily discovered. It is a common fallacy to associate "London" with the extensive ruins recently discovered in the North European Archipelago; but many other names have also been put forward for this city, including Westminster, Islington, Brixton, Eastend and Road Closed; and in any case several other sites apparently called London have been discovered across the ocean in the northern part of the Great Radioactive Continent.

Similarly, the White Hall is often confused with "Whitehouse", the seat of the Benighted State's government and a famous force for moral purity in entertainment. The White Hall was in fact a completely distinct entity, closely associated with air-raid shelters (the so-called "underground stations" and "downing streets") and the seat of a powerful but opaque ruling elite.

As for "England", the associations of the word in the surviving literature are so vast and incoherent, ranging from sporting teams of sublime incompetence to mythical utopias of warm beer, white flannels and "fagging", that few historiographers have ventured to say much beyond the probability that, whatever and wherever "England" may have been, its reputation exceeds its achievements.


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