The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

News 2020

Three times winner of the Guardian Media Group Award for Nuance

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, has accused the Government of a "deep-seated urge to pander to left-liberal orthodoxy" and a "racist reluctance to protect the character and heritage of England".

In what is widely considered one of the opening salvos in the new voting season, and on the eve of the publication of the NuLabLib manifesto, Neither Left Nor Right, but Forward with the Troops, Mr Johnson attacked the Government over its asylum policy, saying that the off-shore migrant storage and disposal centres were not properly secure.

"The Government's disinclination to prevent the swamping of the nation is the product of nothing less than a racist attachment to inferior and primitive cultures," Mr Johnson said.

Under a Conservative-led government, he continued, all potential migrants would be compulsorily checked not only for infectious diseases, work-shyness, terrorist sympathies and lice, but also for bad manners, malodorosity and "any horns, tails or tridents which might be concealed about their persons," as specified in the Conservative manifesto, England's Glorious Blood.

The Prime Minister replied that the cost of such measures would be "prohibitatory" and challenged Mr Johnson to produce figures proving that the economy could sustain "such an excessive number of checks being effectively carried out on each and every migrant."

Mr Johnson also attacked the Government for failing to institute adequate controls over liberal bias in the mainstream media. The Conservative elder statesman, Lord Sandunk of Idsmith, who led the party during one of its more successful phases in the early years of this century, has produced an extensive report on media bias, which Mr Johnson referred to as "damning."

"Outdated left-liberal orthodoxy is entrenched in the mainstream media like one of the 17,000 British rubber gloves which are lost up the intestines of unscrupulous asylum seekers every year through the trendy carelessness of medical personnel," Mr Johnson quoted.

The BBC issued a statement this evening saying it had already apologised and promised to do better seven minutes before Mr Johnson began to speak, while Guardian columnist Tynee Pollyp said that Mr Johnson's "bludgeoning tactics" could only lose him votes among those Guardian readers who were intelligent enough to understand him.

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