The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

The ongoing debate in the United States over the ownership of freedom took a new twist today as the Commander-in-Chief said he would not invoke the Homeland Security Speechification Acts to ensure a reasonable outcome to the argument.

The speechification laws have been used to considerable effect in reaching conclusions in previous debates on terrorism, abortion, gun liberalisation and freedom of Christian worship, but the intervention of the Federal Enforcement Executive would be unnecessary in this case, the Commander-in-Chief said.

The argument over whether freedom is a gift from God or whether it is the property of the United States, to dispense at will to whomever the country sees fit, has occupied America for several years. There have even been times when disagreements threatened to split the very fabric of government, with both factions invoking the name of George W Bush to legitimate their point of view over this complicated issue.

"Freedom and liberty are too precious a thing to be taken for granted and thought of as being owned," said Senator Langhorne Mubley this evening. "That's why we believe freedom is a human achievement, America's gift to the world. It's not at all like food or water or fresh air - not like some commodity to be bought and sold."

But Senator Mubley's opponents are just as certain of their opinion. "Freedom runs in the veins of every American like HIV through a drug-addicted problem youth," said Representative Alberta Bineswacker. "Therefore, Americans must have been created with this gift from God. Further, it seems clear that other nations have not been so created, and it is not for us to interfere with the hand-outs of Providence's grace."

However, despite the risk of a nationwide division over the issue, the Commander-in-Chief has stood firm. "One of the signs of a healthy democracy is vigorous and free debate, provided such debate does not degenerate into mere mud-slinging, name-calling or the inhibitionising of pro-active measures against international varmints," said the US leader on national television this afternoon.

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