The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

News 2020

All the fun of the future without the pain of living there

The Home Secretary yesterday delivered a rousing and controversial defence of multiculturalism in Britain, although it is still not clear whether the rest of the Government stands by some of his remarks.

He was responding to an attack by Robert Kilroy-Silk, leader of the British Exit Europe Party, who claimed that immigrants were costing the UK more than twenty billion pounds a year.

Mr Kilroy-Silk also claimed that part of the reason Britain lost the bid for the 2028 Olympics was "the intolerable atmosphere of political correctness which has poisoned our infrastructure and is even now engaged in wrecking our national shopping mall system."

"Britain has a long and enviable tradition of toleration," the Home Secretary responded. "We have tolerated Irish, blacks, Indians, Pakistanis, Chinese, Muslims and all manner of other races who flock to these shores to escape the evil of terrorism elsewhere."

But Britain not only tolerated immigrants, the Home Secretary said. To gasps of incredulity he declared, "Our country, our economy, our citizens cannot do without these worthy British subjects."

"We need these subjects to drive our buses and trains, to sweep our streets, to maintain our sewers and prevent our drains from overflowing unless it rains," he said. "We need them to serve our meals, wash our dishes, stack the shelves in our shopping malls and pick our cockles. And who can deny them the right to do so, since they so clearly enjoy the simple pleasures of playing a useful role in a true multicultural democracy?"

Mr Kilroy-Silk responded that if "genuine Britons" had a chance at the jobs which were being taken by immigrants, everyone would be able to afford a car and an automatic dish-washer. "Not only that, but crime would decrease because of the lack of immigrational illegals to commit it," he said.

The Home Secretary's remarks were later given a more nuanced spin by the office of the Prime Minister. "If the last three decades have proved anything, it is that there are very few things a true Englishman cannot do without if necessity sounds her trumpet in the hour of need," the written statement said.

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