The Curmudgeon


Friday, February 04, 2005

News 2020

All the latest, very early

The US Commander-in-Chief yesterday delivered his annual State of the Homeland speech, setting out America's agenda for itself and the world in the coming year.

The main themes of the speech, as expected, were thrift and patriotism at home and winning the war on inscrutableness abroad. Accordingly, the Commander-in-Chief focused on the administration's plans to tighten up social legislation, improve education and bring to a satisfactory conclusion America's difficult diplomatic relations with China.

The Commander-in-Chief said the country could be proud of the results of the "war on homelessness", with almost 50% of America's accommodationally disadvantaged now being cared for by the charitable wing of the prison system.

America's previous over-commitment to welfare had been considerably slenderised, the Commander-in-Chief said. The tax money of ordinary Americans was no longer being wasted on those who failed to contribute to the national economy, but instead was being used ever more efficiently to protect the country against the scourge of international godlessness, he said.

On the subject of education, the Commander-in-Chief echoed the words of the Secretary of State for Juvenile Chastity, Clelia Narrowbore: "Our children have too long been allowed to wallow in material things. They must be rescued and processed towards a responsible adulterisation."

The administration's radical new education programme would include reverence for the flag, intensive Christianity awareness and classes on how to keep sexual thoughts at bay until after marriage, according the twelve-point programme set forth in Ms Narrowbore's bestseller, Don't.

In the sphere of international relations, the Commander-in-Chief reiterated America's commitment to the war for democratification, and warned China that its rush towards industrialism "could extract a heavy price in international goodwill".

China's consumption of raw materials has been rising at what experts call "an alarming rate" for what experts call "nearly twenty years", and both US and British diplomats have expressed the worry that if the Chinese economy continues growing too fast it might one day do itself an injury.

"The benefits of industrialisation are like the benefits of love," the Commander-in-Chief said. "You can't hurry them. You just have to wait. They don't come easy, it's a game of give and take."

The speech concluded with footage of a Chinese-American woman embracing the mother of someone who knew a soldier who had been killed in the terrorist insurgency against US peacekeeping forces in Taiwan.

The speech, which the Prime Minister today called "statesmanlike" as usual, was broadcast on all channels of American television, and the first five minutes were watched by an estimated 150 million Americans. The resulting power drain and widespread blackouts meant that the remaining 173 minutes were watched by an estimated 30 million Americans.


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