The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, January 21, 2005

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

The Israeli government's plans to counteract the country's gradual decrease in population have run into more trouble, as the opposition Likud party says it will oppose the Demographic Enhancement law when it comes before the Knesset next month.

The number of people in Israel has been falling steadily for decades, and many are worried that if the trend continues, there will not be enough Israelis to form a multitude, as laid down by God to Moses.

Amazingly, despite the cramped conditions in the megacamps, the Palestinians have continued to breed. The government's Demographic Enhancement plans provide for the utilisation of this breeding capacity for the purpose of continuing Israel's fight for survival.

"Selected neonatal units will be taken from the Palestinian sectors and educated to become Jewish citizens," said Israeli sanitation minister Jephthah Storch. "They may not ever become first-class Jewish citizens, of course, but Abraham was father to the Arabs as well as the Jews, so we should be able to raise them up to a reasonable standard."

The beneficiaries of the law would probably grow up to be menial workers, he added. "Labourers, janitors, perhaps even security guards," said Mr Storch. Such jobs were originally done largely by Arab workers, but the security situation has meant that Israel can no longer afford to employ them.

The right-wing parties, however, are outraged at the idea. "This is simply the so-called Palestinian right of return by the back door," said Knesset member Binyamin Rantinyahu. "The government is opening the door to incubate terrorism and sabotage throughout the country for the next generation and beyond. Terrorism is in these people's blood, or we would have had peace long ago."

Opinion on the street in Tel Aviv tends to agree with Likud. "The last thing Israel needs," said Israeli citizen Dolf Schickelgruber, "is an influx of foreign immigrants."

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