The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

News 2020

We regret that we cannot be held responsible if the future turns out differently due to inaccuracies in the present

Britain's most prominent general has condemned the "inexcusable indiscipline" of the three private soldiers accused of utilising specialised interrogation techniques without due authorisation or expertise.

The three rotten apples, who cannot be named until their dishonourable discharge has been finalised, are being tried by court martial for the alleged humiliation and physical abuse of several Iraqis.

They also took photographs of their activities, which news media all over the civilised world have declined to publish on the grounds that they are too disturbing for consumers.

General Sir Godolphin Gillibrand Goodyear-Dirigible, DSO, who at 106 is Britain's second longest-serving army officer, said today that the soldiers' behaviour was unacceptable in a civilised army.

"Young people today have simply no conception of what a soldier's job really entails," the general said in an outspoken statement. "So many of them join up for the glamour, the power and the blowing things up ... It's difficult for them to adjust to mundane matters like peacekeeping duties and handing out sweets to juvenile foreigners."

Interrogation techniques, particularly of the more pro-active kind, should be left to the experts, the general said. "And, of course, the presence of cameras is wrong, quite wrong. I wouldn't like to pre-empt the judgement of the court, but I shouldn't be surprised if they consider the photographs a rather serious mistake," he continued.

The general's statement ended with a plea for the British army to remember its "great traditions of honour and glory: the persistence of Douglas Haig, the passion of Bomber Harris, the gallantry of all our great campaigns against the fuzzy-wuzzies."

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