The Curmudgeon


Friday, January 28, 2005

News 2020

We regret that we cannot be held responsible if the future turns out differently due to inaccuracies in the present

The chairman of fuel consortium British Regal Oil Investments Limited has said that the capitalist system is "part of the reason" for the increase in large-scale climate-related populatory detrimentations in recent years.

In a carefully argued attack on environmental militants and other anti-globalisers, Sir Hodgkin Gluttock went on to say that there could be "no turning back to a pre-industrial golden age" and that it would be simplistic to blame environmental disasters on corporations.

Sir Hodgkin's remarks came during his address to the annual general meeting of the International Fossil Fuel Investment Executive (IFFIE), now taking place in Caracas.

"If we fail to pursue our function and make good on our investment, we fail as a corporation," Sir Hodgkin said. "If we fail to make good on our investment by all available means, we fail our shareholders, which is the one thing we cannot do."

Sir Hodgkin's remarks may have been prompted by the recent substantial extinctifications in Alaska as a result of the British tanker Flower of Kyoto running aground due to an encounter with what a spokesman called "water of an unaccustomed texture".

The laws governing corporate profit meant that it was a legal necessity for corporations to engage frequently in "acts which would not exactly do credit to a human resource extracted from the corporate context and acting in an individual capacity," Sir Hodgkin observed.

Nevertheless, he went on to sustained applause, environmental fanatics and other potential rioters had "no business whatever telling business what to do."

"The idea that we should allow non-corporate concerns to outweigh our legal obligations is of course fallacious and pernicious in the extreme," Sir Hodgkin said. "We are responsible family men, and we must continue our energetic pursuit of responsible goals in our accustomed spirit of aggressive entrepreneurialism. To do otherwise would mean the end of civilisation as we know it."


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