The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

News 2020

When it eventually happens, remember you read it here first

The daughter of film-maker Lucas Playhill's second cousin was among the casualties of the recent earthquake in south-east Asia, US authorities confirmed today. As many as 50 Britons may also have been killed.

Mr Playhill was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the film-maker's second cousin said that his daughter was "an angelic person, flawless in every way" who was always "full of life" until the day she died.

The news sent a tidal wave of relief surging through the assembled ranks of journalists, who until now have been starved of a convincing human interest angle to bring the scale of the disaster home to their readers.

Since nuclear weapons testing has been resumed in the region, its status as a holiday destination has fallen off in the wake of various radiation scares, which western governments and travel agents maintain have little or no basis in reality. As a result, journalists have experienced some difficulty in finding suitable material.

Among the most appalling sights in this terrible tragedy has been the spectacle of orphan-like press photographers hunting desperately for white faces among the bereaved.

"There've been maybe 60,000 casualties, counting the less newsworthy ones," said British photographer Gonville Mugge as he was issued a picture of Mr Playhill. "That's a lot of little brown faces to wade through. It's been a horrendous experience, but it looks like the worst is over now," said Mr Mugge.

2 Comments:

  • At 9:16 pm , Blogger Raoul Djukanovic said...

    Can you get me Mr. Playhill's playgirl's pawprint, please? Or anybody's underwear? Or even a role as an extra? I didn't get laughed off Lapdog Island for nothing you know. Anyway, we're going to buy this site and close it down, so there.
    Yours with nails,
    Jimminy Fight-Wellies

     
  • At 3:45 am , Blogger Philip said...

    As to your requests: (1) Mr Playhill does not have playgirls. Aside from the fact that he is a dedicated family man, as one must be to work in Hollywood nowadays, he has quite enough to do being a serious and significant American artist and Tom Hanks' only feasible source of employment. (2) In his continuing battle against other people's sins, the Attorney General has outlawed underwear except for hair shirts and linen long-johns (trap-door optional). Kindly place yourself under arrest and report to your nearest perpetrator restraint executive personnel unit. (3) Extras are no longer required in the film business, as all non-speaking roles are now created via digital morphing techniques. Eventually we hope also to eliminate the need for principal actors and sets, which will enable us to economise on cinematographers and designers. This development will complete the trend towards total automation which began in the 1980s, when the producer's role was largely taken over by calculating machines and the director's by video game designers. As to your threats, we cackle derisively at your credit card and wave our unmentionables at your unimpressives. I trust this is helpful.

     

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