The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

A new white paper, issued today under the title Living our Values, sets out the Government's radical plans to bring global warming under control, including the controversial proposal for privatisation of the ozone layer.

Environmentalist extremists and other potential rioters have denounced the plans as "a tax on breathing". The Government denies this, pointing out that the ozone layer is too high up in the atmosphere to be breathed, and that legislation imposing direct taxation on clean air is not yet a realistic option because of fervent opposition from the countryside lobby.

Under the new proposals, shares in the ozone layer would be floated on the free market in the hope of attracting investment. The money paid to the Government by the initial buyers would be used to fund a compensatory reduction in corporate taxation to help reimburse the business community for its enviro-conscientiousness.

"The Government hopes to thrust entrepreneurial know-how and get-up-and-go into the environmental context, in order to facilitate aggressively solutative responses to the varifold challenges facing our terrestrial sphere," said environment minister Wibley Magnox.

The business community was ambivalent in its response. "The business community is always willing and ready to take advantage of new fields of enterprise," said CPI chairman Nigel Feasting-Piranha this afternoon.

However, Mr Feasting-Piranha warned that the business community could not be expected to carry all responsibility for nurturing and protecting the Earth's fragile ecosystem. "I feel it is only fair to remind consumers that, as responsible individuals, they can do their part by avoiding unnecessary driving, reducing excessive utilisation of airlines, installing appropriate devices in their cisterns, and perhaps even planting a tree," he said.

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