The Curmudgeon


Monday, December 20, 2004

News 2020

Putting the wind up the first draft of history

Time magazine, America's most popular legal source of printed news after the National Enquirer and the Klansman's Weekly, has named the present Commander-in-Chief as its Human of the Year for the eighth time running.

The only other US leader to collect so many nominations was George W Bush, who died two months ago. Mr Bush was actually nominated fourteen times, but on six occasions was prevented by terrorist threat from leaving his Palace of Courage sixty feet beneath the Nebraska desert in order to travel to the magazine's New York offices and collect his trophy.

The editorial staff at Time hope that this year their leader will feel able to accept the title of Human of the Year once again. "There's just nobody who deserves it more," smiled general editor Rimmer Butte. "This award is given each year for outstanding qualities of accomplishment, civic initiative and moral courage, so you can probably see why he gets it so often," quipped Mr Butte, licking his lips with relish.

Although he has been awarded the honour seven times before, the present Commander-in-Chief has accepted it on only four occasions. Six years ago he unwittingly caused confusion when he passed on the award to "the American Peacekeepers", raising questions at the magazine as to whether he was referring to US troops or to the designers of the new space-launched Skywalker nuclear missile.

Two years later, the White House press corps, without the knowledge of the Commander-in-Chief, put out discreet front-page stories about his reluctance to accept yet further accolades. A spontaneous public outpouring of love and admiration ensued, brilliantly mediated by some of America's top journalists and avidly echoed in the British press; but the Commander-in-Chief's famous determination held out and the Time award went instead to his two-month-old daughter Chelmsford.

Finally, last year the Commander-in-Chief again "deferred" the award, this time onto his close personal friend and spiritual mentor, the Reverend Huxtable Chancroid.


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