News 2020
Making the present look like paradise
The number of high school gun massacres taking place in the United States levelled off slightly this year, but the underlying trend is still up, the Homeland Security Service has announced.
Fourteen high schools were affected by unfortunate incidents involving students with automatic weapons. In all, there were 428 teacher and student casualties, not counting the killers themselves. In 12 cases the murderers committed suicide, and in the remaining two cases FBI special tactics teams entered the schools with air and tank support and consummated perpetrator disposal actions with minimal collateral damage.
The perpetrators in all cases were loners and misfits with minimal social skills whose presence is not projected to be sorely missed. All 428 victims were angels upon earth whose demise was a devastating blow to all who knew them and whose spiritual ascension to heaven has been officially confirmed by the Commander-in-Chief's wife's Ouija board.
The Homeland Security Service issued a statement welcoming the slight drop in the number of massacres, and expressing confidence that the downward trend will continue as initiatives to eliminate misfits from the education system are implemented at ever earlier stages in the socialisation process.
The statement also stressed that the "shocking aftermath" of one of the massacres, in which it was discovered that two submachine-guns and a hand grenade, ordered from an internet mail-order site, had not been legally paid for, would be fully and swiftly investigated.
The US Department of Human Resource Maturification said that America's schools would "continue to foster the atmosphere of healthy competition and inimicality to failure which makes American adults the country's number one advantage".
The number of high school gun massacres taking place in the United States levelled off slightly this year, but the underlying trend is still up, the Homeland Security Service has announced.
Fourteen high schools were affected by unfortunate incidents involving students with automatic weapons. In all, there were 428 teacher and student casualties, not counting the killers themselves. In 12 cases the murderers committed suicide, and in the remaining two cases FBI special tactics teams entered the schools with air and tank support and consummated perpetrator disposal actions with minimal collateral damage.
The perpetrators in all cases were loners and misfits with minimal social skills whose presence is not projected to be sorely missed. All 428 victims were angels upon earth whose demise was a devastating blow to all who knew them and whose spiritual ascension to heaven has been officially confirmed by the Commander-in-Chief's wife's Ouija board.
The Homeland Security Service issued a statement welcoming the slight drop in the number of massacres, and expressing confidence that the downward trend will continue as initiatives to eliminate misfits from the education system are implemented at ever earlier stages in the socialisation process.
The statement also stressed that the "shocking aftermath" of one of the massacres, in which it was discovered that two submachine-guns and a hand grenade, ordered from an internet mail-order site, had not been legally paid for, would be fully and swiftly investigated.
The US Department of Human Resource Maturification said that America's schools would "continue to foster the atmosphere of healthy competition and inimicality to failure which makes American adults the country's number one advantage".
4 Comments:
At 10:29 pm ,
Anonymous Poet said...
Hello Curmudgeon. This a very heavy site. If you need something to cheer you up, you are invited to stop by
http://www.anonymouspoet.blogspot.com/
and leave a comment if you like anything you see.
At 1:30 am ,
Philip said...
Gosh, sorry if you have trouble taking the weight. I'll try and swallow some hearts and flowers so as to work them into my next outpouring of satiric bile. That should sweeten things up a bit. Thanks for the invite.
At 1:57 pm ,
Raoul Djukanovic said...
I may have misunderstood, but I thought swallowing hearts and minds was the modern white man's burden. I do hope you're not about to go soft on terror.
At 3:38 pm ,
Philip said...
The modern white man's burden is converting hearts and minds, I think you'll find. Hearts can be converted into vapour, into inanimate chunks of carbonised flesh (very good for the garden, I'm told) or into rather chewy bits of GI meatloaf. Minds are a much less utilisable natural resource, but happily there seem to be fewer of them all the time, so hopefully they won't clog things up too much. In any case, we certainly do not propose to go soft on terror in the foreseeable future in the current state of economic uncertainty given our moral commitments weather permitting. Just because a chap mentions flowers (NB not minds - yes, you have indeed misunderstood), you needn't assume he's about to go native.
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