The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

News 2020

When it eventually happens, you'll read here that we told you so

At least 150 people have been killed in an FBI raid on the John Fitzgerald Kennedy Temple in Texaco, WA. Special tactics teams backed up by tanks and Black Shrike helicopters invaded the temple building after a three-day siege of the grassy knoll which housed the compound.

The JFK Temple was one of many "small churches" in America which believe in the sanctity of the thirty-fifth President of the United States. Some hold to unorthodox theories about his assassination; several believe that he is still alive, possibly being held prisoner until clones can be produced and indoctrinated in sufficient numbers.

The JFK Temple at Texaco was one of the more extreme of these sects, as it believed that Kennedy was assassinated by a lone gunman and that the four million, six hundred and eighty-four thousand, two hundred and fifty-nine separate works written since 1964, with the express purpose of debunking the Warren Commission report, are partially or entirely mistaken.

The Temple's members also believed that Kennedy would rise again one day and redeem the world from the demonic spirit personified in the life and teachings of Richard Nixon. It is believed that, considering this "second coming" to be imminent, the Temple's members had locked themselves away in their compound to await the day of redemption.

"Just because we have freedom of worship doesn't mean we have to allow people to teach that kind of insane garbage to little children," said Cardinal Wadsworth P Mumford on hearing of the FBI raid. Cardinal Mumford, controversial chairman of the American Catholic Committee for Infant Sexual Guidance and author of the uncompromising apologia Suffer Them to Come on to Little Children, has claimed credit for alerting the FBI to the Temple's alleged abuse of the children of several of its members.

It is thought that between 150 and 200 of the 200-member sect were killed in the gunfight which took place when the FBI stormed the compound, when four FBI agents were slightly injured by friendly fire. "America is no place for religious fanaticism. This is God's own country," the cardinal said today, before offering a prayer that God would forgive any former Catholics among the Temple casualties.

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