The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, November 26, 2004

News 2020

When it eventually happens, you'll read here that we told you so

The introduction of performance-related pay for the police has been a resounding success, according to the Government's interpretation of the first league tables to be published under the new Enforcement Incentivisation Act.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, praised the courage and professionalism of the "faithful bobby on the beat", but criticised the Government for "forcing an unnecessary ethos of competition into the sacred groves of law and order".

The Enforcement Incentivisation Act enables local police to score points depending on their quality of customer service. The scoring system includes provision for solving crimes; lowering the rates of drug use, violent crime and anti-social behaviour; and, most lucrative of all, crime prevention. Authorities which rack up high scores will receive extra funding for the following year, the Home Office has promised.

The league tables published today show that more than 700 terrorist acts have been prevented by police in Britain during the past year. Most of the attacks were to have been in London, but others were planned in the country's inner cities and at a number of licensed fox hunts.

Among the 292 plots which were foiled in the planning stage were several to blow up Buckingham Palace and/or the Houses of Parliament; fourteen to crash aircraft into Nelson's Column; twenty-six to kidnap or assassinate the Prime Minister or his family members; more than forty to release deadly substances in the London Underground; and seven to murder leading sports personalities if and when such personalities should ever again emerge in the UK.

Another 369 plots, involving nearly five thousand suspects altogether, were detected and foiled in the difficult stage between conception and planning. These achievements by the police score very high in the league tables, since they involve detecting crimes which are not only uncommitted, but which have not even been discussed by those who might decide to commit them at some future date.

Thirty-nine plots which were foiled in the nick of time have not had their details released to the public, as the Home Office is marketing the film rights.

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