The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, November 22, 2004

News 2020

News so new it hasn't happened yet

The Government's safety measures to keep the number of suicides within acceptable statistical limits are discriminatory against most of the British people, the shadow health minister said today.

Emeric Chuckley MP singled out for criticism the recently-imposed legal requirement that paracetamol tablets be sold in quantities of no more than four at a time, and that a special electronic tag be placed on the purchaser's identity card to prevent their buying another box before eight hours have passed.

The Government imposed the new restrictions in the face of figures showing that, despite the Prime Minister's historically unique commitment to social justice, levels of depression in the country are at their highest since records began. Compulsory detention of people whose mood appears lower than the national average was introduced last year, but the measure seems to be losing its effectiveness due to the continued deflation in the nation's mood.

The suicide rate has been increasing continually since the mid-2010s, particularly among the young, and the Government has expressed deep concern on a number of occasions. "Obviously, Britain's effectiveness as an international competitor could be somewhat impaired if the teenage market is substantially reduced," said health minister Bilharzia Fison.

But, according to Mr Chuckley, the Government's proposed solution to the problem raises questions of discrimination against "substantial proportions of the British people." To begin with, Mr Chuckley said, the law prohibiting sale of large quantities of paracetamol is ineffective, since a person needs only to wait eight hours before being able to buy more tablets. The Government claims that the interval gives potential suicides more time to think about their situation and absorb news bulletins about lifestyle improvements.

However, Mr Chuckley says the law discriminates against people on medium and high incomes, as only such people have the financial wherewithal to continue buying tablets and the privacy to store them where they will not be found until there are enough to constitute an overdose. This is doubly disadvantageous, says Mr Chuckley, as it not only causes excessive wastage among the very people who might otherwise put money into the economy, but it prevents from committing suicide those who have the most reason for doing so; namely those financially worst off and those unwilling to find gainful employment.

"These laws are an outrage on British democracy," Mr Chuckley said. "There can be little doubt in anyone's mind that what we are seeing here is backdoor socialism at its worst. All the old vices are here: government interference in private affairs, subsidies for the inefficient. These statutes are nothing short of class war."

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