The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

News 2020

Putting the wind up the first draft of history

Journalists in the British press have been warned by the Government that unacceptable levels of bias may result in tighter regulation to ensure a proper degree of independence. The Minister for Public Enlightenment through the Media, Campbell del Manson, says that media commentators spend too much time analysing the Government's mistakes while paying almost no attention either to its successes or to the awesome nobility of its motives.

Despite all that the Government had achieved, said Mr del Manson, on any given day the majority of headlines in most newspapers would focus on difficulties, problems and "actual or manufactured scandals - too often, I regret to say, manufactured scandals going under the once respected name of 'investigative journalism'".

Mr del Manson named as examples the recent publication by the Guardian of British casualty figures in the Middle East, and the Daily Cloaca's allegations that the former Prime Minister, Lord Blair of Belmarsh, once said that the Labour party should not be embarrassed to call itself socialist.

"Both of these stories represent quite unnecessary smears against our boys defending the country from the terrorist threat, and against one of the greatest Prime Ministers of modern times," said Mr del Manson.

Both newspapers were quick to respond to the minister's accusations. The Daily Cloaca is expected to run a front page story tomorrow stating that it never actually referred to Lord Blair as a socialist, and apologising for any offence caused by the "misunderstanding".

Guardian columnist Preston Kettle, who has often criticised the Government for failing to take sufficient account of public stupidity in putting its message across, has offered to crawl over broken glass from King's Cross to the Houses of Parliament while the Minister for Public Morals flogs him with a rubber truncheon.

Asked to comment today, Mr del Manson said he was aware of the newspapers' reaction, and that he awaited the Cloaca's retraction "with interest and hope". Mr del Manson said he could not comment on the Guardian offer until the appropriate Ministry had been informed; although he did give his personal opinion that "it wouldn't be quite fair to put the sins of the whole press corps on a single pair of buttocks."

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