The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, November 22, 2004

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All the latest, very early

The Minister of Freedom, David Blunted, has issued a categorical denial that there is any conflict of interest at the heart of Britain's postal service. "I have every confidence that the Royal Mail will continue to be run as efficiently as ever," Mr Blunted said today.

Despite this scarcely-veiled admission that standards at the Royal Mail are slipping, Mr Blunted is sticking to his guns in the face of an attack by Tory wild cards which seems to have caught him with his pants down and may yet leave him with egg on his face if he paints himself into a corner.

The controversy arose over the revelation that senior executives at Stand and Deliver plc, the company which the Government has contracted to run the Royal Mail, are also shareholders in Sortout Inc., the company which the Ministry of Freedom has contracted to implement the Postal Safety Protocols.

The opposition claims that Sortout Inc. have been deliberately causing delays in the delivery of letters and packages sent by the ordinary post, thus providing a forcible incentivisation for customers to use the more expensive first-class or confidential delivery options.

Although all letters and parcels are opened and checked by Sortout Inc. for evidence of intention to facilitate the possibility of terrorist sympathisation, those sent by first-class mail are only checked by two separate teams. Items sent by confidential delivery are only disassembled under "exceptional circumstances" and are almost always reassembled afterwards.

The claims of a conflict of interest are "risibly ludicrous," said Mr Blunted today. "The close co-operation between the two companies is a necessary and important part of the process of giving Britain one of the best privately-run public postal delivery services in north-western Europe," he said.

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