The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

News 2020

All the fun of the future without the pain of living there

North Korea's weapons of nuclear aggression, which the ruling dictatorship calls a "deterrent", are obsolete and may turn out to be unreliable or impossible to launch in the event of an attack by a liberating coalition, the US State Department has said.

The United States has warned North Korea that it may face military action unless it drops its nuclear programme, opens its borders to free trade, apologises to South Korea for any inconvenience caused and converts to Christianity. The Prime Minister was quick to back up the statement, saying that the newly-modified UN security council could escape irrelevance only by doing as it was told.

The Americans have not yet requested the security council for a resolution authorising action against North Korea, and the Secretary of State has said three times that no such resolution is necessary. It is thought that the Prime Minister would feel more comfortable if UN authorisation could be obtained, even though several US spokespersons have referred to him as "something of a girly man" because of this.

Over the past twenty years, the US has accused the North Korean leadership of human rights abuses, building weapons of mass destruction, forming an axis of evil with Middle Eastern dictators for the purpose of endangering democracy, and attacking the American aircraft carrier USS Chickenhawk.

North Korea claims that the USS Chickenhawk violated its territorial waters and fired on the Chinese-made interceptor ships sent to head her off. No-one was killed aboard the aircraft carrier, but one sailor's left biceps was severely singed. The UN condemned the North Korean action and called for both sides to show restraint.

North Korea's general populace is believed to be in desperate straits, with continual food shortages and lack of vital medicines owing to the refusal of the neo-Stalinist dictatorship to adapt to market forces. The US government says it is "deeply concerned" and will continue to press North Korea to improve itself, as successive US governments have done since the beginning of the century.

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