Peace in Our Time

Fury at isolationist appeasement horror

Prospects for a Third World War appeared slightly diminished today as it emerged that the UK Government has better things to do than participate in talks about the Ukraine crisis.

The decision is believed to have been prompted by poll findings that most potential UKIP voters don't know where Ukraine is, and therefore would be unlikely to defect to the Conservatives in the event of the Bullingdon Club helping to provoke a pan-European war.

A senior military figure said that, in the absence of the liberators of Iraq, the accomplishers of Mission Afghanistan and the ex-best chums of Colonel Gaddafi, "there is a threat of total war".

For Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, the shadow Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns criticised the Government for being "one step behind our allies" and thus insufficiently competitive in the international race to corner the global diplomacy market, as once it was during the Blairy wars of yore.

Weather patterns across Europe were slightly disrupted as potential collateral damage across the continent breathed a collective sigh of relief at the British government's decision to stay at home and complain from the sidelines.

Nevertheless, experts believe the Government's stand may be more nuanced than it is given credit for. "Any possibility of selling weapons to either side or both, and we'll be in there slavering for action," said a spokesbeing for the Liberal Democrats, in case somebody asked.