News 2020

When it eventually happens, remember you read it here first

The Ministry of Sanitation, which was created by the Prime Minister this year in order to enforce the new penalty of summary imprisonment for littering, has issued an appeal for help to those with elderly relatives.

"Winter is now approaching and expected to be colder than average, with a probable 0.76 of a natural disaster and 4.2 industrial disasters according to official estimates," said ministry spokesperson Quinsy Chadwick.

"The probability of below-zero temperatures for much of the season is very high," continued Ms Chadwick. "This means that the risk of inadequate temperature enhancement provision for the elderly is correspondingly elevated."

The Government hoped that the number of deaths from hypothermia this year would be smaller because of the large number of people who died of it last year, said Ms Chadwick.

"In any event, the Government has learned the lessons of last year's mortality statistics and hence appeals to all those with elderly relatives to check on them every few days and make sure of their condition."

Elderly people living alone should be checked at least once a week, said Ms Chadwick, because if mortality did eventuate a public olfactory nuisance would result in a few days, even with the temperature lowered.

Last winter, thousands of neighbours were inconvenienced by hygienic problems resulting from hypothermia cases which had not been properly disposed of in time. "The Government wishes to avoid such a degree of public inconvenience this year, particularly over the holiday season," said Ms Chadwick.