That's an American Holiday, Walt

Bob Newhart has caused me much cultural confusion. When the TV show bearing his name appeared in the schedules, it occupied the slot formerly filled by 9 to 5, which featured a villain named Hart; so I naturally assumed that Newhart must be a spinoff. On first seeing it, I was further discombobulated by the American habit of naming some shows after their stars even when the stars play fictitious characters: Newhart was not a Newhart sketch show but a sitcom about a travel writer living among some comical country cousins.

A little later I encountered his monologue "Introducing Tobacco to Civilisation", in which he plays a business associate of Sir Walter "Nutty Walt" Raleigh, reacting sceptically to various novelties from the New World. It's an ingenious piece in which the performer can elicit considerable hilarity just from stating bare facts and then cackling at their manifest absurdity; but even so, one early line puzzled me. Walt has sent over a boatload of turkeys, which have not been used according to instructions: "as a matter of fact they're still here, Walt ... they're flapping all over London as a matter of fact. See, uh, that's an American holiday, Walt." Cue one of the largest laughs on the recording and a round of applause.

It's probable that even at my then-tender age I was aware of the Pavlovian reaction that afflicts many US citizens upon mention of the divine demonym; but I was still surprised that even these poor insular creatures should imagine Christmas as their own exclusive burden. Fortunately it was explained to me that Americans have some holidays of their own and don't associate turkey with Christmas in the way we do here on the mainland, and my horizons were duly broadened.

However, as with so many aspects of globalisation and multiculturalism, it appears that the process has now gone too far. Strange foods and alien practices are encroaching upon our native calendar; and to add insult to injury, they are doing so right in the middle of the Christmas season and blatantly clashing with the Remembrance Day rah-rah. Britain is a tolerant and inclusive nation which has effortlessly assimilated Indian caste-consciousness, Chinese authoritarianism and Nigerian corruption; but it can hardly be expected to yield to the values of a country with a written constitution, an official separation of church and state, and a fully elected parliament. Surely a decisive intervention by the protectors of our cultural coherence can only be a matter of time.