Set a Fraud to Catch a Fraud

The Church of Rome, whose own eye is noted for its scarcity of beams, has set itself to perform an ocular motility cleansing upon a woman who claimed that a statue of the Virgin wept tears of blood. She also claimed that the statue was talking to her, which may have been what prompted the Church to anathematise her as a fraud, and to proclaim a clear and scientific distinction between real and fake supernatural phenomena; viz. that the Pope approves of the one and not of the other. A DNA test on the blood in question has determined that it was the woman's own; which may, as her lawyer pointed out, indicate merely a miraculous mingling of earthly sanguination with the heavenly sort. Even if the Virgin's DNA profile should prove troublesome to access by prayer alone, a copy is presumably stored somewhere in the Vatican archives; and even if no match is found, that might mean only that God is making a point after His usual whimsical fashion. Alas, the lady herself, who has a prior record of Vatican-style financial probity, seems disinclined to rejoice and be exceeding glad at her persecution, and has absented herself from the vicinity of the miraculous presence.