Sic Semper Tyrannis

Law-abiding citizens of the Christian state of Virginia will be reassured that the subversive activities of certain felonious elements have been contained in an appropriate spirit of penitential correctionalism. Inmates of a high-security state prison have been burning themselves in protest at the conditions; but although electrical outlets have undergone malicious tampering, the interference with the corrective process did not extend to self-immolation, which is certainly a comfort. Better yet, although prison abolitionists and opponents of law and order claimed there have been twelve such incidents, the department of corrections has acknowledged only six, thereby halving the problem at a stroke. The incarcerated journalist reporting on the protest has apparently been placed in solitary confinement, where doubtless he is thanking God, Baby Jesus and the Founding Slavers that he doesn't live in Russia.