A Touch of Realism

Vatican Incorporated, whose entire business model is based upon the resurrection of a dead fundamentalist hate-preacher who was conceived of a virgin by a ghost, has taken decisive action to shield consumers of the aforesaid preacher's flesh and blood from any spurious supernatural manifestations. The current head of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith (Grand Inquisitor, in Oldspeak) proclaimed, presumably with a straight face, that it was the Church's duty to "protect the faithful from all deception," if not from all discrimination, sexual abuse or financial chicanery. Accordingly, bishops will no longer have the power to proclaim alleged apparitions authentically supernatural, but will be permitted use of a six-step grading system until the Almighty can inform the Infallible whether or not He was joking.