Platinum Pabulum

Treacherous Celts are plotting to subvert Her Madge Gawblesser's seven decades of grinning, squeaking and sex-pest production by imposing, of all things, freedom of choice on British schools. The Ministry for Infantine Enlightenment has spent twelve million fruits from another magic money tree on bringing forth a commemorative pamphlet of Ruritanian rah-rah for the tinies, which was to be distributed to every primary education consumer in the nation like an improving dose of hormone-boosted castor oil. Rivetingly enough, the book includes "famous quotes from the Queen" and "facts about the coronation ceremony," not to mention some jolly bits about the near-genocidal assault by one of Her Madge's predecessors which led to the creation of the title Prince of Wales. There is also information about notable kings and queens, presumably including Her Madge's father, grandfather and namesake, besides such exemplars for the sunlit uplands as Richard II (who promised a fair deal to the peasants, then had them slaughtered), George IV (a gluttonous drunk whose only notable talent was for spending money) and Æthelræd the Unready (enough said). In an exceptionally British touch, Nelson Mandela features as a "famous Commonwealth figure" alongside Margaret Thatcher, an assiduous ally of the apartheid régime whose party spent years denouncing Mandela as a terrorist and baying for him to be strung up. Despite all this and more, the rebel governments in those regions of England known as Scotland and Wales will compel schools to opt in before receiving copies. Whether Her Majesty's Government is contemplating a military solution remains as yet unclear.