The Curmudgeon


Monday, March 08, 2021

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

It hath ever been my conſidered and unanimous Opinion, that juſt as an uppity Female butters no Parſnips, and a Nigger without the Whip is an Agent of Chaos like unto a voting Scullery-maid, ſo he who ſeeketh to educate the lower Claſses committeth a moſt ſorrie and ſcurrilous Indiſcretion, in that he muſt inevitably ſeed the chill Dragon-teeth of Ingratitude in the warm Boſom of Patronage, and thereby rend aſunder the benignant Sinews of Condeſcenſion with the dread atrocious Talons of Inſurrection. It muſt be confeſsed none the leſs, in the preſent unuſual State of Society, that what may at other Times appear a moſt perilous Circumſtance will upon Occaſion prove a tranquil Harbour and a welcome Refuge from the piratick Depredations of a ſubtil and unchivalrous Foe. And thus hath it proved in the Matter of this Heathen Peſtilence, whoſe utter Defeat by Midſummer Day hath been guaranteed by the ſacred Britiſh Word of our noble Prime Miniſter. For it cannot be gainſaid that in ſending back to their Labours the Off-ſpring of mere Road-ſweepers, Coſtermongers, Carters and their Whores, Her Majeſty's Government hath brought into Battel a very cunning Stratagem, to provoke the Teeth of the Enemy into firing upon a Canary in a Coal-mine, thereby to betray the Limits of his Strength and be put inevitably to Rout. When the Woo Han Peſtilence looſeth its Chain and Grape upon the low-hung Fruits of idle plebeian Fecunditie, the true Repreſentatives and Embodiments of our unaſsailable Britiſhneſs ſhall baſk courageouſly in legitimate Secureneſs of Life and Limb, for our noble and foreſighted Prime Miniſter hath decreed a Weekes Delay in the Reſumption of Cricket and Applied Bullying at our great publick Inſtitutions, ſuch as Eton College where ſome ſeventeen of his owne favourite Baſtards are at preſent enſconced.


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