The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, March 03, 2021

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

Our noble and virtuous Prime Miniſter hath pledged upon his Honour as a Gentleman, and his univerſal Repute as a publick Servant of the moſt ſupreme Competence, Diſcretion and Foreſight, that the Pluckineſs of our Britiſhneſs will enſure and guarantee, that by Midſummer Day the Woo Han Peſtilence ſhall ſuffer its final and ultimate Vanquiſhment. Theſe Tidings have occaſioned much Rejoycing at the lateſt Meeting of the Claſsical Liberal Society of Maſqueleſs Defiants, whereof from the Bloater and Blueſtocking Coffee-Houſe yeſter Night iſsued much good-humoured Banter and harmleſs Kicking of Beggars. Indeed this conſtituted the firſt Occaſion theſe many Months gone, when the Vagabonds condeſcended for the moſte Part to forſake their cuſtomary Indolence and beſtir themſelves beneath the reſpectable Brogues and Boots of their Betters. At which Circumſtance the acknowledged Miſtreſs of the Surgeon General and ſundry Gentlemen of ſimilar Credentials, my Lady ffryghtenynge-Dymwytte, was taken with the Screeching Vapours and would not be calmed until the verie laft of theſe Vagrants and Gypſies ſhould be ſummarily hanged or in other Wiſe ejected from the Realm. Accordingly within the paſt few Houres I have, with ſome good quality American Cotton at my Eares, compiled ſeverall dozen Petitions for cleaner Streets and a Final Solution to the Homeleſsneſs Problem, which I hope may receive due and prompt Attention. For in the approaching Abſence of the Woo Han Peſtilence there will be a renewed Neceſsitie of tough Deciſions concerning the Queſtion of the Breeding Poore and how to reſtore the proper Balance of Demiſes to their pullulant Numeroſity, particularly if the preſent Spate of temperate Winters ſhould perſiſt in its inconſiderate Continuation.

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