The Curmudgeon


Friday, November 14, 2014

An Inefficient Method of Disposal

Fury at prison horror

The Ministry of Human Warehousing is thought to be considering harsh new restrictions on suicide privileges in the light of a new report on conditions in British jails.

The Labour peer heading a review of prison suicides has already undercut the impartiality of his own report by proclaiming that some people should not be in prison even if there are profits to be made.

Minister of Justice and Tory Renaissance man Chris Graybeing, who knows nearly as much about mental illness as he does about the law, has not yet commented on the Labour peer's comments owing to an acute attack of moral indigestion.

However, the chief executive officer of the National Offender Management Service has said that reducing suicides in prison is a top priority for the Government.

"Inmates who succeed in committing suicide are, on the whole, less likely to re-offend and therefore less likely to remain a sustainable source of bucks for the bang-up industry," a spokesbeing said.

"The Government also believes that suicide is morally unacceptable in human resources who have used free health services or committed other moral derelictions and still owe something to the law-abiding community of hard-working, war-winning non-migrant families."

The Government has not yet specified what physical restraints it would consider necessary to prevent malicious self-vandalism by prisoners, but the measures have already been condemned twice as too expensive, and five times as too soft, by the shadow minister for profitable incarceration.


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