The Curmudgeon


Monday, July 16, 2012

Home Secretary in Arse Horror

Red cheeks in Commons as May continues buttockless

Embarrassment continues for the Government today as personnel shortages at the security firm G4S mean that the Home Secretary's arse remains lost.

The arse is thought to have been hanging in the wind for some months prior to last week's discovery of its total disappearance from the haunts of Westminster.

It is thought that the delay in noticing the loss was due to the presence of so many other arses in the district. Westminster has one of the highest arse-to-person ratios in the Western world, rivalled only by Hollywood and Washington DC.

Not only do many sitting members possess an extra gluteus or two for making speeches, but at least a third of the population of the House of Claimants is thought to consist of arses on which the vestigial human has almost completely atrophied.

The loss of the Home Secretary's arse has made it difficult for her to maintain a dignified stance, although Downing Street extruded a spokesbeing to stick the customary "expression of complete confidence" between the places where Ms May's shoulder blades used to be.

"This is nothing less the Big Society in action," the spokesbeing said. "The Home Secretary has displayed the British entrepreneurial spirit at its best. If you need an arse, go out and be one."

It emerged yesterday that G4S had claimed they could find the Home Secretary's arse, but overshot the target due to being unable to muster more than two hands and a flashlight.

Me at Poetry-24
The Supreme Sacrifice


  • At 11:17 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Never fear! I get the feeling May's missing arse is going to be handed to her on a plate soon.

  • At 11:33 pm , Blogger Philip said...

    I'm afraid that will only compound the problem. She'll probably think it's her elbow, and the crockery will be wrecked along with everything else.

  • At 5:42 pm , Anonymous The Judge said...

    e.e. cummings, thou shouldst be living at this hour


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